the Sultan of Smut

another bloody holiday?!?

2010-02-05T02:57:00.000-08:00

just a short one... but this means that all the Amazon / Play / ebay listings have been suspended - they'll be back Friday 12 February. Also please don't order direct from the site as I won't be here to send the discs. If you really can't wait then download the albums from iTunes or Amazon.
cheers, stiffy

Welcome back

2010-01-02T08:43:00.000-08:00

Along with the rest of the record industry, there are evolving changes in how you can buy the Biggun booty.

All three CD's are now unavailable from record stores - not that you'd notice, since there aren't many record shops left and HMV and the supermarkets have never stocked Ivor anyway. This also means that Amazon and Play.com won't be able to sell direct BUT the good news is that Stiff Weapon will continue to sell from both sites (and at a cheaper price). Of course, the cheapest price is right here from this site - check at the bottom of the 'Sample & buy Ivor Biggun' link on the left of this page.

Then there's eBay where the discs are available at a set price for immediate purchase PLUS there's a special 'complete works' bundle where you can buy all the albums together at a discounted price.

Finally all the tracks / albums are available to download from iTunes, Amazon and the other usual suspects.
There you have it then- 2010 and it's easier than ever before to get the wit and wisdom of the tremendulous tosser. Happy days...

Christmas again

2009-12-13T03:53:00.000-08:00

It's that time of year again when Stiff Weapon shuts down and leaves the country, so please don't place any orders direct from this site until the New Year. We've also stopped selling on Amazon / Play and ebay until next year

As a treat we've uploaded the best of Ivor's Christmas songs onto the Stiff Weapon MySpace page where you can stream the complete songs.

And finally... All of Ivor's CD's are no longer available in record shops (see last post for the reasons). It's disappointing and we'd like to thank all the small stores that have supported Ivor over the years - If you need any stock just get in touch direct and we'll work something out. Meanwhile all the albums are available online from the usual places.

Merry Christmas folks.

Christmas cheer

2009-10-11T04:59:00.000-07:00

We've just set up a special deal on ebay where you can buy the complete works of Ivor Biggun (that's the 3 CD packages) for a mere £17.50 which includes UK 1st class post and packing- the perfect present (after penicillin) for the man who has everything.

And a bit of disappointing news. Due to the economics of the situation, Handling Swollen Goods will no longer be available through shops but only via Stiff Weapon, ebay, Amazon and Play. Not that there are many shops left to sell it anyway. I hate to make releases only available online but it ended up I've been paying out over 120% of the selling price of each CD sold - not a very smart way to do business.The other titles will be withdrawn as stocks run out at the distributors.

meeow, meeow... where's that Cookin' Fat

2009-09-16T04:26:00.000-07:00

Just checking the availability of Ivor's wonderous albums on iTunes New Zealand (as you do) and noticed a karaoke album - Sing it like an Idol: Legends Vol. 6. What's this then?
hmmm... 13 songs made famous by the likes of Mario Lanza, Ella Fitzgerald, Mel Tormé, Lou Rawls, the divine Doris Day, Judy Garland, Johnny Mathis... CLASSY. But which smooth international superstar hit is that on track 10? 'The Pussy Song (As Made Famous by Ivor Biggun)'!!!
Truely, the world is a strange place and someone has a highly tuned sense of the absurd. Sir, we salute you...

Up and running...

2009-05-13T13:34:00.000-07:00

With much help we've managed to get the 'buy from Stiff Weapon' buttons working again (see the Sample + buy Ivor Biggun link on the left). This means you can now buy direct from here at the cheapest prices anywhere if you have a paypal account. We're just too good to you... you winkers don't deserve it.
oops - spoke too soon. The iTunes links from Fruity Bits and More Fruity bits take you to the iTunes store but tell you the albums aren't available. Lies, damn lies. I don't know how to fix this so just do a search for Ivor Biggun and you'll find all the albums.

Downloading Ivor Biggun

2009-01-31T09:35:00.000-08:00

You can now download many of Ivor's bishop bashing beauties from Amazon as well as iTunes and CD Baby (HANDLING SWOLLEN GOODS).

a fan's experience...

2008-09-30T09:00:00.000-07:00

the great brilliant ivor biggun!!!
im a mancunian thats been living in munich for over 21 years now and i worked many of those years in rock n roll as a roadie,
and "the winkers song (misprint)" was always a brilliant song to teach foriegners, i once had a troupe of 40 chinese singing along on the chorus not knowing a bloody word of what they were singing and having great fun!! he he a great bit of british cultural heritage to take back home with them!!
if there are any more clips? or if you know where i can get the ukulele tabs? as i am now in the process of learning ukulele!!
once again thanxs for the great memories!!
sir ged

spooky changelings...

2008-06-11T10:23:00.000-07:00

Look at this picture of Einstein.
Now leave it in the middle of your computer screen, walk away about 5 metres and turn around.
It will have changed.....

New! HANDLING SWOLLEN GOODS MP3 downloads

2008-03-18T03:31:00.000-07:00

You can now download Ivor's magnificent HANDLING SWOLLEN GOODS album direct from the wonderful CD Baby (100% approved) for only $9.99

Apart from the benefits of instantly having Ivor's album to enliven your evening, impress your mates and get you something to give your laughing gear a workout...

* - You buy your entire album as one zip download, which
includes the MP3s, a JPG of the album art, and a text file of song
titles and album notes!

* - They're regular MP3 files that play easy on ANY MP3 player you use, whether iPod, cellphone, Blackberry, iPhone, Nokia,
Windows, Mac, Linux, etc.

* - The MP3s are encoded at top-audiophile-quality (~200k VBR), higher than iTunes or any other major store.

* - See CD baby for more details or CLICK HERE to order.

Graffiti spotted in Ivor's local convenience...

2007-10-16T07:21:00.000-07:00

Hitler's grandson has been found!!

2007-08-23T01:44:00.000-07:00

Heads up for Georgia Tech...

2007-04-18T05:07:00.000-07:00

thanks to Edward for this one

Ivor Videos

2006-10-31T06:58:00.000-08:00

Ivor's been searching through his archives and found a couple of videos. Unfortunately they're not of his raucous live show so they feature the clean, broadcastable numbers, (Nobody Does It Like) The Ukelele Man and Grafitti Night Fever. They can currently be seen on MySpace (click on the video link beneath the German swordsman). Or watch it here!

Get the official Ivor Biggun ringtones for your mobile now!

2006-10-18T10:14:00.000-07:00

Just follow the instructions below:

Simply text BIGGUN then a space and then the item code for the tone that you want to 81330.

(e.g. to get “Dorothy Please Trim Your Hinge” realtone text BIGGUN 1001 to 81330)

Artist Title Realtone*
Ivor Biggun Dorothy Please Trim Your Hinge (misprint) 1001
Ivor Biggun Halfway Up Virginia 1002
Ivor Biggun Hide The Sausage 1003
Ivor Biggun The Premature Ejaculation Song 1004
Ivor Biggun The Pussy Song 1005
Ivor Biggun The Winkers Song 1006
Ivor Biggun You Can't Have A Shag With a Snowman 1007
Ivor Biggun All I Want For Christmas Is A Great Big Dong 1008

Terms and Conditions:

*Realtones are short clips of real music tracks designed to be used as a ringing tone. Standard message costs apply for sending + no more than £3 max per realtone, video clip or wallpaper. Pre-pay users please ensure you have enough credit before ordering. Data transfer charges may vary – check your mobile tariff. Please ensure compatibility before ordering. WAP Services must be enabled to order realtones, video clips & wallapers. Check with your network operator or service provider if you are unsure. You may receive further free txt updates from Ivor biggun, to unsubscribe txt STOP to 81330. For customer service call 08707555731

Ivor on iTunes - load up your iPud...

2006-10-13T01:55:00.000-07:00

All of Ivor's albums are now available from iTunes - click on the links for instant access... Good to see that 'Dorothy Please Trim Your Hinge (misprint)' is a popular choice along with the infamous 'Winker's Song'!

Handling Swollen Goods

The Fruity Bits of Ivor Biggun

More Fruity Bits - The Rest of Ivor Biggun - Volume One

More Fruity Bits - The Rest of Ivor Biggun - Volume Two

Ivor's XXXmas Package

You can purchase individual tracks or the whole album at a discounted price.You need to have iTunes installed for the link to take you directly to Ivor's album.

Practical Advice

2006-10-09T02:32:00.000-07:00

thanks to stevie x for this one

Double D forty & Bulgarian airbags

2006-10-03T04:42:00.000-07:00

Another slice of life from 'The Register'... http://www.theregister.co.uk

A Bulgarian woman driver escaped relatively unscathed from a head-on pile-up with another vehicle when her 40DD breast implants absorbed most of the impact, Ananova reports.
Elena Marinova, 24, of Sofia, pranged her motor in the northern city of Ruse. Both cars were written off and the other driver seriously injured, local paper Standart reported.

A police expert explained: "[The implants] worked just like airbags - protecting the victim's ribs and vital organs from damage." He did, however, add: "They are not as safe as the real thing because they exploded, which airbags are not supposed to do."

MORE FRUITY BITS! New album now available

2006-09-22T07:46:00.000-07:00

A few of the usual online stores have the new album on sale. Prices are generally pretty fair (it's a two CD set). The big surprise is hmv.co.uk whose online price (£7.99 on pre-order) is probably close to half of what they'll sell it for instore. Other sellers include good ol' Amazon.com (they keep changing the price - it's currently £9.99), Asda (£9.47), Tesco (£9.69), Play.com (£9.99), ) and Virgin Megastores (£10.99)

One for the (porno) Graphic Designers

2006-09-04T06:48:00.000-07:00

It's a worldwide competition to see whose logo inadvertently looks the most cock-like. Take a look at the best entries for the Phallic Logo Awards
No wonder this blog keeps getting censored for it's explicit verbage...

Russian abuses apparatus in sex doll rafting race

2006-08-31T03:42:00.000-07:00

Another cracking story from 'The Register'.

A participant in the annual Sex Dolls Rafting Tournament near St Petersburg was disqualified in shame for "sexual abuse of apparatus", Mosnews reports.
The event - held on the Vuoksa river and sponsored by "a number of Russian sex shops" - this year attracted 400 athletes determined to tackle the choppy 1,200 metre course with nothing more than an inflatable partner for buoyancy, as our pic shows.
As organiser, Dmitriy Bulaviniv told Zizn' newspaper: "It's fun and difficult to swim in stormy river with an exotic apparatus, as inflatable ladies slip out of hands."

Yes they do. According to Mosnews's entertaining commentary, as "strong wind and flow snatched out resilient dolls from strong men's hands", only 40-year-old Igor Osipov was left to make the final climactic dash to the finish line. At this point, however, "the jury then noticed Osipov's strange position and told him to moor. When he came out of the water, gazers saw signs of recent sexual activity on the swimmer's doll."
The mind boggles. The judges then "found the swimmer guilty of sexual abuse of the apparatus and disqualified him" because, as the organisers explained: "Air sex dolls can be used only for swimming."

Heard the one about the chinese gynaecologist?

2006-08-09T06:21:00.000-07:00

Words are unnecessary...

Ivor fan club convention perhaps?

2006-07-19T07:21:00.000-07:00

as reported on www.theregister.co.uk

US degeneracy crosses the Pond
By Lester Haines

Not content with dragging the good old US of A straight down to Hell with its public displays of mass masturbatory degeneracy, the San Fran-based Centre for Sex and Culture - organiser of the legendary "Masturbate-a-thon" - will in August travel to London for a similar event in which Brits will be invited to tug the trouser snake and pet the beaver for the benefit of safe sex charities and Channel 4 viewers.

While the news that indie production company Zig Zag will be present in Clerkenwell on August 5 to capture the solo cumfest will come as great relief to C4 schedulers desperate - given the abject failure of Big Brother contestants to engage in live sexual activity for the gratification of the UK's viewing public - for footage of TV wannabes cracking one off for charity, we're pretty certain that Middle England is as we speak preparing to decry the utter collapse of British society to the highest authority: The Daily Mail.
Indeed, the Guardian - which incidentally fails, like the exponent of free love and sexual immorality that it is, to roundly condemn the Masturbate-a-thon - notes that the Mail once declared former Channel 4 top dog Michael Grade "pornographer in chief".

And not without reason. Those of you who can remember the early, heady days of Channel 4 will recall that the first signs of its eventual descent into the squalid mire were already evident. In 1983, some bright spark decided to commission Minipops - the highly-questionable showcase for kids dressed as adults flaunting themselves for the Gary Glitter demographic.
In 1985, the channel broadcast Derek Jarman's homoerotic martyrdom spectacular Sebastiane, whose male full-frontal nudity and comedy Latin dialogue provoked outrage in equal measure.

The rest, as we know, is history: Big Brother (social inadequates failing dismally to indulge in live sexual activity); "Penis week" (getting to grips with the penis, featuring lots and lots of peni); The Tube (remembered for its Jools Holland prime-time "groovy fuckers" scandal); and Jamie's Kitchen (unexpurgated Mockney geezer murdering the word "pukka").
The prosecution rests. The televised Masturbate-a-thon, meanwhile, will form part of a C4 "Wank week". Zig Zag declared in a press release: "This year it's time to bring the event across the pond to see if the great British public can embrace mass public masturbation. It's time to find out if the only things allowed to be stiff in Britain are upper lips."

No, there's another thing that can be stiff in Britain: a fine from the Broadcasting Standards Authority. And if those of you in the Home Counties who are right now writing to David Cameron demanding the return of the birch, the cat o'nine tails and the Tyburn Tree for transgressions of the UK's television guidelines consider this inadequate punishment, what about tying the C4 commissioning editor and Zig Zag producer to a couple of crosses and pumping them full of arrows while naked Roman soldiers pleasure themselves to raise cash for AIDS charities? Now that's what we call TV entertainment. ®

His name's on everyone's lips...

2006-06-16T04:24:00.000-07:00

Move over Damian Hurst, there's a hot new artist in town. With a name like that we feel his parents must have misunderstood the title of their favourite Ivor tune...

A special announcement

2006-05-05T10:27:00.000-07:00

A message from mummy on the fridge...