the latest news from...

a fan's experience...

noreply@blogger.com (Stiff Weapon) — Tue, 30 Sep 2008 16:00:00 +0000

the great brilliant ivor biggun!!!
im a mancunian thats been living in munich for over 21 years now and i worked many of those years in rock n roll as a roadie,
and "the winkers song (misprint)" was always a brilliant song to teach foriegners, i once had a troupe of 40 chinese singing along on the chorus not knowing a bloody word of what they were singing and having great fun!! he he a great bit of british cultural heritage to take back home with them!!
if there are any more clips? or if you know where i can get the ukulele tabs? as i am now in the process of learning ukulele!!
once again thanxs for the great memories!!
sir ged

spooky changelings...

noreply@blogger.com (Stiff Weapon) — Wed, 11 Jun 2008 17:23:00 +0000

Look at this picture of Einstein.
Now leave it in the middle of your computer screen, walk away about 5 metres and turn around.
It will have changed.....

New! HANDLING SWOLLEN GOODS MP3 downloads

noreply@blogger.com (Stiff Weapon) — Tue, 18 Mar 2008 10:31:00 +0000

You can now download Ivor's magnificent HANDLING SWOLLEN GOODS album direct from the wonderful CD Baby (100% approved) for only $9.99

Apart from the benefits of instantly having Ivor's album to enliven your evening, impress your mates and get you something to give your laughing gear a workout...

* - You buy your entire album as one zip download, which
includes the MP3s, a JPG of the album art, and a text file of song
titles and album notes!

* - They're regular MP3 files that play easy on ANY MP3 player you use, whether iPod, cellphone, Blackberry, iPhone, Nokia,
Windows, Mac, Linux, etc.

* - The MP3s are encoded at top-audiophile-quality (~200k VBR), higher than iTunes or any other major store.

* - See CD baby for more details or CLICK HERE to order.

China gets ready for the Olympics...

noreply@blogger.com (Stiff Weapon) — Fri, 22 Feb 2008 12:18:00 +0000

Some old favourites...

noreply@blogger.com (Stiff Weapon) — Fri, 01 Feb 2008 11:43:00 +0000

Just got around to updating the songs on Ivor's MySpace page. A couple of old faves (I've Farted, The Wanker's Song and Bras On 45) and some from the criminally under-rated 'Handling Swollen Goods' (The Son Of John Thomas Allcock, Dorothy Please Trim Your Minge and All These Things Are Soul)
There for your listening pleasure...

Where's the exhaust pipe?!?

noreply@blogger.com (Stiff Weapon) — Wed, 24 Oct 2007 14:18:00 +0000

Graffiti spotted in Ivor's local convenience...

noreply@blogger.com (Stiff Weapon) — Tue, 16 Oct 2007 14:21:00 +0000

Hitler's grandson has been found!!

noreply@blogger.com (Stiff Weapon) — Thu, 23 Aug 2007 08:44:00 +0000

Heads up for Georgia Tech...

noreply@blogger.com (Stiff Weapon) — Wed, 18 Apr 2007 12:07:00 +0000

thanks to Edward for this one

Ivor Videos

noreply@blogger.com (Stiff Weapon) — Tue, 31 Oct 2006 14:58:00 +0000

Ivor's been searching through his archives and found a couple of videos. Unfortunately they're not of his raucous live show so they feature the clean, broadcastable numbers, (Nobody Does It Like) The Ukelele Man and Grafitti Night Fever. They can currently be seen on MySpace (click on the video link beneath the German swordsman). Or watch it here!

Get the official Ivor Biggun ringtones for your mobile now!

noreply@blogger.com (Stiff Weapon) — Wed, 18 Oct 2006 17:14:00 +0000

Just follow the instructions below:

Simply text BIGGUN then a space and then the item code for the tone that you want to 81330.

(e.g. to get “Dorothy Please Trim Your Hinge” realtone text BIGGUN 1001 to 81330)

Artist Title Realtone*
Ivor Biggun Dorothy Please Trim Your Hinge (misprint) 1001
Ivor Biggun Halfway Up Virginia 1002
Ivor Biggun Hide The Sausage 1003
Ivor Biggun The Premature Ejaculation Song 1004
Ivor Biggun The Pussy Song 1005
Ivor Biggun The Winkers Song 1006
Ivor Biggun You Can't Have A Shag With a Snowman 1007
Ivor Biggun All I Want For Christmas Is A Great Big Dong 1008

Terms and Conditions:

*Realtones are short clips of real music tracks designed to be used as a ringing tone. Standard message costs apply for sending + no more than £3 max per realtone, video clip or wallpaper. Pre-pay users please ensure you have enough credit before ordering. Data transfer charges may vary – check your mobile tariff. Please ensure compatibility before ordering. WAP Services must be enabled to order realtones, video clips & wallapers. Check with your network operator or service provider if you are unsure. You may receive further free txt updates from Ivor biggun, to unsubscribe txt STOP to 81330. For customer service call 08707555731

Ivor on iTunes - load up your iPud...

noreply@blogger.com (Stiff Weapon) — Fri, 13 Oct 2006 08:55:00 +0000

All of Ivor's albums are now available from iTunes - click on the links for instant access... Good to see that 'Dorothy Please Trim Your Hinge (misprint)' is a popular choice along with the infamous 'Winker's Song'!

Handling Swollen Goods

The Fruity Bits of Ivor Biggun

More Fruity Bits - The Rest of Ivor Biggun - Volume One

More Fruity Bits - The Rest of Ivor Biggun - Volume Two

Ivor's XXXmas Package

You can purchase individual tracks or the whole album at a discounted price.You need to have iTunes installed for the link to take you directly to Ivor's album.

Practical Advice

noreply@blogger.com (Stiff Weapon) — Mon, 09 Oct 2006 09:32:00 +0000

thanks to stevie x for this one

Lyrics

noreply@blogger.com (Stiff Weapon) — Wed, 04 Oct 2006 14:42:00 +0000

Those of you who still have reasonable eyesight may have noticed that there's a new link on the sidebar to "Discography and Lyrics". The pages are still being tweaked but, for your enhanced pleasure, we present almost all of Ivor's lyrics - the only place on the web that's authorised to do so. Hopefully we'll also have a section on the new compilation soon plus links to buy it from this site.

Double D forty & Bulgarian airbags

noreply@blogger.com (Stiff Weapon) — Tue, 03 Oct 2006 11:42:00 +0000

Another slice of life from 'The Register'... http://www.theregister.co.uk

A Bulgarian woman driver escaped relatively unscathed from a head-on pile-up with another vehicle when her 40DD breast implants absorbed most of the impact, Ananova reports.
Elena Marinova, 24, of Sofia, pranged her motor in the northern city of Ruse. Both cars were written off and the other driver seriously injured, local paper Standart reported.

A police expert explained: "[The implants] worked just like airbags - protecting the victim's ribs and vital organs from damage." He did, however, add: "They are not as safe as the real thing because they exploded, which airbags are not supposed to do."

MORE FRUITY BITS! New album now available

noreply@blogger.com (Stiff Weapon) — Fri, 22 Sep 2006 14:46:00 +0000

A few of the usual online stores have the new album on sale. Prices are generally pretty fair (it's a two CD set). The big surprise is hmv.co.uk whose online price (£7.99 on pre-order) is probably close to half of what they'll sell it for instore. Other sellers include good ol' Amazon.com (they keep changing the price - it's currently £9.99), Asda (£9.47), Tesco (£9.69), Play.com (£9.99), ) and Virgin Megastores (£10.99)

One for the (porno) Graphic Designers

noreply@blogger.com (Stiff Weapon) — Mon, 04 Sep 2006 13:48:00 +0000

It's a worldwide competition to see whose logo inadvertently looks the most cock-like. Take a look at the best entries for the Phallic Logo Awards
No wonder this blog keeps getting censored for it's explicit verbage...

MORE FRUITY BITS! New album scheduled for release

noreply@blogger.com (Stiff Weapon) — Thu, 31 Aug 2006 15:02:00 +0000

Ever since the ‘best of’ compilation, “The Fruity Bits of Ivor Biggun”, was released in 1999, World-Wide-Winkers have been clamouring to get their calloused hands on the other songs from the albums that were essential listening for teenage bedrooms: “The Winker’s Album (misprint)”, “More Filth! Dirt Cheap...” and “Partners In Grime”. Out-of-print for over a decade, these tracks have now been digitally re-fumbled and are ready to be restored to their rightful place in Mr. Biggun’s canon and this nation’s comic heritage.

This smorgasbord of smut is compiled from those first three long players, rare singles and extended plays, live recordings and private pressings. It’s (nearly) all here, forty-four of the little meisterwerks, crammed onto two CD’s; the ingredients for a lifelong partnership - SOMETHING OLD (Ivor), SOMETHING NEW (but still as rancid as the old un’s), SOMETHING BORROWED (most of the tunes) and SOMETHING BLUE (that'll be Ivor again).

This DOUBLE CD is released on 16 OCTOBER 2006
The full track listing is:-

SEEDY ONE / 1. Ivor Biggun Is My Name 2. The Winker's Song (misprint) (stereo album version) 3. Sing A Mucky Song 4. No! No! No! 5. I Wish I Was 6. I'm Shy 7. Graffiti Night Fever 8. Cucumber Number 9. Great Grandad John 10. Underground Music 11. My Brother's Got Files (misprint) 12. The Winker's Paradise (misprint) 13. The Winker's Rock 'N' Roll (misprint) (original version) 14. I Lift Up My Finger (And I Say Tweet Tweet) 15 Send For Dr. Clap 16 Hide The Sausage (original version) 17. Give Us A Wink For Christmas (misprint) (New Song!) 18. Bras On 45 (Dirty Gertie version) 19 Gums And Plums (Live) 20. John Thomas Allcock (Live) 21. Jeremy Is Innocent 22. The Johnny G Fan Club Song

SEEDY TOO / 1. My Shirt Collar (It Won't Go Stiff) 2. Southern Breeze 3. a) The Burglars Holler b) Gums And Plums 4. John Thomas Allcock 5. My Brother's Magazine 6. Richard The Third (He's In The Business Now) 7. I Can Be The Hot Dog And You Can Be The Bun 8. I Wanna Be A Bear 9. Ah Woke Up This Moanin' (Parts 1 & 2) 10. The Filthy Farmer (A Song Of The Soil) 11. The Other Educated Monkey (Humorous Monologue) 12. Piles Of Trouble (New Song!) 13. You Can't Have A Snog With A Snowman 14. Chantilly Lace 15. Probing Andromeda 16. The Majorca Song (Just-About-Broadcastable-Version) 17. Sixty Minute Man 18. Toolbag Ted From Birkenhead 19. Where Did The Lead In My Pencil Go? 20. Cue For A Song 21. Send For Dr. Clap (Live) 22. The Winker's Rock 'N' Roll (Live)

Russian abuses apparatus in sex doll rafting race

noreply@blogger.com (Stiff Weapon) — Thu, 31 Aug 2006 10:42:00 +0000

Another cracking story from 'The Register'.

A participant in the annual Sex Dolls Rafting Tournament near St Petersburg was disqualified in shame for "sexual abuse of apparatus", Mosnews reports.
The event - held on the Vuoksa river and sponsored by "a number of Russian sex shops" - this year attracted 400 athletes determined to tackle the choppy 1,200 metre course with nothing more than an inflatable partner for buoyancy, as our pic shows.
As organiser, Dmitriy Bulaviniv told Zizn' newspaper: "It's fun and difficult to swim in stormy river with an exotic apparatus, as inflatable ladies slip out of hands."

Yes they do. According to Mosnews's entertaining commentary, as "strong wind and flow snatched out resilient dolls from strong men's hands", only 40-year-old Igor Osipov was left to make the final climactic dash to the finish line. At this point, however, "the jury then noticed Osipov's strange position and told him to moor. When he came out of the water, gazers saw signs of recent sexual activity on the swimmer's doll."
The mind boggles. The judges then "found the swimmer guilty of sexual abuse of the apparatus and disqualified him" because, as the organisers explained: "Air sex dolls can be used only for swimming."

Heard the one about the chinese gynaecologist?

noreply@blogger.com (Stiff Weapon) — Wed, 09 Aug 2006 13:21:00 +0000

Words are unnecessary...

Ivor fan club convention perhaps?

noreply@blogger.com (Stiff Weapon) — Wed, 19 Jul 2006 14:21:00 +0000

as reported on www.theregister.co.uk

US degeneracy crosses the Pond
By Lester Haines

Not content with dragging the good old US of A straight down to Hell with its public displays of mass masturbatory degeneracy, the San Fran-based Centre for Sex and Culture - organiser of the legendary "Masturbate-a-thon" - will in August travel to London for a similar event in which Brits will be invited to tug the trouser snake and pet the beaver for the benefit of safe sex charities and Channel 4 viewers.

While the news that indie production company Zig Zag will be present in Clerkenwell on August 5 to capture the solo cumfest will come as great relief to C4 schedulers desperate - given the abject failure of Big Brother contestants to engage in live sexual activity for the gratification of the UK's viewing public - for footage of TV wannabes cracking one off for charity, we're pretty certain that Middle England is as we speak preparing to decry the utter collapse of British society to the highest authority: The Daily Mail.
Indeed, the Guardian - which incidentally fails, like the exponent of free love and sexual immorality that it is, to roundly condemn the Masturbate-a-thon - notes that the Mail once declared former Channel 4 top dog Michael Grade "pornographer in chief".

And not without reason. Those of you who can remember the early, heady days of Channel 4 will recall that the first signs of its eventual descent into the squalid mire were already evident. In 1983, some bright spark decided to commission Minipops - the highly-questionable showcase for kids dressed as adults flaunting themselves for the Gary Glitter demographic.
In 1985, the channel broadcast Derek Jarman's homoerotic martyrdom spectacular Sebastiane, whose male full-frontal nudity and comedy Latin dialogue provoked outrage in equal measure.

The rest, as we know, is history: Big Brother (social inadequates failing dismally to indulge in live sexual activity); "Penis week" (getting to grips with the penis, featuring lots and lots of peni); The Tube (remembered for its Jools Holland prime-time "groovy fuckers" scandal); and Jamie's Kitchen (unexpurgated Mockney geezer murdering the word "pukka").
The prosecution rests. The televised Masturbate-a-thon, meanwhile, will form part of a C4 "Wank week". Zig Zag declared in a press release: "This year it's time to bring the event across the pond to see if the great British public can embrace mass public masturbation. It's time to find out if the only things allowed to be stiff in Britain are upper lips."

No, there's another thing that can be stiff in Britain: a fine from the Broadcasting Standards Authority. And if those of you in the Home Counties who are right now writing to David Cameron demanding the return of the birch, the cat o'nine tails and the Tyburn Tree for transgressions of the UK's television guidelines consider this inadequate punishment, what about tying the C4 commissioning editor and Zig Zag producer to a couple of crosses and pumping them full of arrows while naked Roman soldiers pleasure themselves to raise cash for AIDS charities? Now that's what we call TV entertainment. ®

His name's on everyone's lips...

noreply@blogger.com (Stiff Weapon) — Fri, 16 Jun 2006 11:24:00 +0000

Move over Damian Hurst, there's a hot new artist in town. With a name like that we feel his parents must have misunderstood the title of their favourite Ivor tune...

A special announcement

noreply@blogger.com (Stiff Weapon) — Fri, 05 May 2006 17:27:00 +0000

A message from mummy on the fridge...

buy "Handling Swollen Goods" at iTunes!

noreply@blogger.com (Stiff Weapon) — Thu, 13 Apr 2006 16:33:00 +0000

Ivor's new album is finally available from iTunes stores around the world - including down under in Australia. You can purchase individual tracks or the entire album (though you won't get the sumptuous art package). Now there is no reason (apart from good taste) for not owning the old rod-walloper's masterpiece. Even if you already have the album you can add a review and do your bit to help the World-Wide-W*nker's profile.

a popular holiday destination?

noreply@blogger.com (Stiff Weapon) — Tue, 07 Mar 2006 16:17:00 +0000

Well, where else do you get such platform service?