Handling Swollen Goods

Charles Edward ‘Chuck’ Berry was the poet laureate of rock ‘n’
roll with his compositions covered by spotty English boys with bad hair
and tight trousers. Despite decades of critical acclaim the white boys always
had more success so Chuck was forced to reveal his insight into the true
source of teen gratification, that which goes beyond cars and girls. He
exposed his secret weapon, the song no pretentious pansies could ever cover
and, with “My Ding-a-ling”, w*nking was finally on the lyrical
agenda. The public made it Chuck’s only No.1 smash hit and Ivor, a
natural born w*nker, was inspired.

Diverted by his packed schedule, it wasn’t until 1978 that Ivor finally
followed Chuck into the top 21 with “The Winker’s Song (misprint)”
and a career in briefs followed with three albums of frivolous filth (unashamed
plug – highlights are available on the compilation “The Fruity Bits
of Ivor Biggun”). Ivor went on gardening leave in 1987 to grow rude
shaped vegetables only to resurface 18 years later with sticky hands and
a brand new album (in fancy packaging with a 12 page booklet featuring nubile
Germans).

So what, dear reader, will convince you of the benefits of Handling Swollen
Goods? Should we tell you it’s Ivor’s most consistent and musical
opus yet with a mere four songs about masturbation? He now sings of his
other interests like domestic animals, shagging, shitting and shaving? The
songs are performed in a clutch of genre defying styles embracing soul,
country, calypso, gospel, oom-pah, mambo, Hawaiian and electro-pop and all
are as infectiously catchy as… ok, let’s not go there. Plus,
there are 2 stonking Christmas songs that every office party should enjoy
and employ. Then there’s the bonus live recordings – Ivor on his worst behavior.

Let’s just say the 21 tracks are stuffed with ribald, absurd and creative
rhymes, the mundane and profane elevated beyond Python, vaudeville and Williams
McGonagall and Shakespeare. Guaranteed to disgust, you need Ivor to brighten
up your life.