ADDITIONAL LYRICS – and Su(t)ch
“Crikey.. I ought to be ashamed of myself…” – Mr. Ivor Biggun on assessing his entire career… (actually, we disagree – proud is the word!)
Actual Printout of Gig List for a performance with JUDGE DREAD in Gillingham, Kent. Includes a crib sheet of extra lines for “Dead Dog Rover” and Ivor’s version of “Where Do You Go To My Lovely”
FIRST HANDFUL
1. W*nking Shuffle. Key A.
2. Gumbs & Plums. Key E.
3. W*nker’s Paradise D.
4. Cats on Rooftops. Key G.
5. Has anybody seen my cock?
6. Limerick Mambo. Key Bb.
7. My Brothers Magazine E. (see songsheet..watch JILLY)
8. W*nker’s Rock n’ Roll. G.
SAUSAGE ON A STICK & TWIGLETS
NEXT BIT
1. John Thomas Allcock G.
2. Where do you go to. Key C
attempt at Pinball Wizard.
3. These Foolish Things. C.
4. W*nking yr Blues Away. G
5. Halfway up Virginia. G.
6. Hide The Sausage. Key A
7. Dead Dog Rover.Key A (uke D)
8. W*nker. Key of G.
Spares:-
Let Gud Times Role Key E.
W*nking Caveman E. The Cock Song G. P*ssy Song. Key G.
or FAST W*NKER + STATUS QUO.
JUDGE DREAD’S TOONS
RUDY, A MESSAGE TO YOU.
Key of Bb!
Bb…Gm…Cm…F7…etc
UP WITH THE COCK
(rhyddim is a bit like “John
Thomas Allcock”) Key of F.
Chords are F…Gm…etc
BIG SEVEN (“Hey Hey diddy dum day..etc”) Key of F.
F…Gm…F….C7…etc
Oh She is a BIG GIRL NOW
(Tune is “London Bridge is falling Down”) Key of G.
G…D…D…G..etc
DONKEY DICK. Key of G.
Three sets of triplets, and then a STOP for each chord.
GGG GGG GGG (STOP)
CCC CCC CCC (STOP)
DDD DDD DDD (STOP)
GGG GGG GGG (STOP) etc
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GET YOUR TITS OUT FOR THE LADS
Written at the suggestion of a rather famous rock’n’roll record producer who suggested it would probably be a good ‘un for Ivor and Judge Dread. Never got performed or recorded, though.
Wee Oh Wee Oh Wee Oh Wee Oh Wee Oh
Get your tits out for the lads
Wee Oh Wee Oh Wee Oh Wee Oh Wee Oh
Get your tits out for the lads
Big ones, round ones, scrape on the ground ones
Some you can hold in your hand.
White ones brown ones bounce up and down ones
Some like a sock full of sand
But they’re grand!
We’re here ‘cos we’re here
‘cos we’re here, ‘cos we’re here
and we come here each year
for the totty and beer
We go for a cruise
We shag and we booze
So let’s make it perfectly clear..
Wee Oh Wee Oh Wee Oh Wee Oh Wee Oh
Get your tits out for the lads
Wee Oh Wee Oh Wee Oh Wee Oh Wee Oh
Get your tits out for the lads
Large ones pink ones
Dangle in the sink ones
Some that point this way and that
Bent ones, straight ones
Six and seven eight ones
I know, that’s the size of my hat
Wee Oh Wee Oh Wee Oh Wee Oh Wee Oh
Get your tits out for the lads
Wee Oh Wee Oh Wee Oh Wee Oh Wee Oh
Get your tits out for the lads
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PINBALL WIZARD
A version thereof performed very infrequently by Ivor and the Vulgar Band. He did a few of these, including parodies of “Rockin’ All Over The World” and “Keep On Runnin”
Ever since I was a young boy
I heard the w*nkers call
Been tugging on my todger
Eversince I learned to crawl
When mother said don’t do that
It did no bl**dy good at all
I’m deaf dumb and blind but
I still love to play with my balls.
I stand in the bathroom
With a saucy magazine
A yard and a half of Andrex
and a jar of vaseline
My eyesight it is fading
I can’t see b*gger all
I’m deaf dumb and blind but
I still love to play with my balls.
And it feels wizard
When I hold it in my fist
and it goes like a blizzard
I’ve got such a supple wrist…
Why do you think he does it..
It makes him feel good
The women all ignore me
And never come across
But my hand’s always handy
So I don’t give a toss
When I throw back the bedclothes
And they stick to the wall
I’m deaf dumb and blind but
I still love to play with my balls.
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WHERE DO YOU GO TO MY LOVELY? (FILTHY VERSION)
Another one of Ivor’s strickly non-kosher parodies.
You dress like MARLENE Deitrich
You look like a PIT BULL with piles
You smell like a FLATULENT badger
Your farts can kill PIGEONS for miles
Your a*se would look good on a CARTHORSE
Your armpits are homes for the FLEAS
Your tits look like BAGS FULL OF CONKERS
When you’re topless they slap on your KNEES
Well f*ck me down sideways, you’re UGLY
But when I’m alone in your BED
Pass me that BIG PLASTIC BIN-BAG
And I’ll put it over your HEAD!
You look like a billy-goat’s bumhole,
You walk like the Hofmeister bear
Your legs look like Eric Cantonas
Excepting that yours have more hair,
Your fanny has lips like Mick Jagger
They scrape on the ground when you walk,
You sit on the lav with your knees up,
Bursting your boils with a fork
Oh f*ck me down sideways you’re ugly,
And now I’m alone in your bed
Is that your face dear or did you
Just throw up all over your head….