Author: stiffweapon

Ivor on Facefook (mis-print)

Yes, we’ve finally got around to getting Ivor onto Facebook. He already had a ghostly presence there with a page connecting to his Wikipedia entry, but now there’s the officially sanctioned version. Not that it does much. Well, USA citizens can purchase or download the very-wonderful ‘Handling Swollen Goods” and some of the information on this site is also there, but it’s FACEBOOK. It has 800 million wankers, sorry members. It’s really, really important! You can join Spotify and listen to all Ivor’s records! HERE’S IVOR’S FACEBOOK PAGE!
If you’re a Facefooker, make sure you ‘like’ him…

Meanwhile here’s a DIY attachment that Ivor installed next to his fridge…

New look – same old rubbish

If you’ve ever been here before (why would you come again?), you may notice we have a trés chic new site. Smart, isn’t it. So big thanks to Jo (we know where you live).
Of course, the same old information is here but now I should be able to tidy it up and edit once in a while. If you’re looking to buy any of Ivor’s recordings then hit the BUY button above for the cheapest prices on the web (and a special deal on all 3 CD’s).
Otherwise there’s a discography, lyrics, a sort of biography (The Sultan Of Smut) that I can’t remember where it came from and a round-up of what’s currently available (Releases). So there you go – bluddy marvellous.

Man Rules

WE ALWAYS HEAR “THE RULES” FROM THE FEMALE SIDE….
NOW HERE ARE THE RULES FROM THE MALE SIDE.
THESE ARE OUR RULES!
PLEASE NOTE… THESE ARE ALL NUMBERED “1” ON PURPOSE!

1. MEN ARE NOT MIND READERS. (FIRST AND FOREMOST RULE).

1. LEARN TO WORK THE TOILET SEAT.
YOU’RE A BIG GIRL. IF IT’S UP, PUT IT DOWN. WE NEED IT UP, YOU NEED IT DOWN.
YOU DON’T HEAR US COMPLAINING ABOUT YOU LEAVING IT DOWN.

1. SUNDAY SPORTS OR NEWS, IT’S LIKE THE FULL MOON OR THE CHANGING OF THE TIDES.
LET IT BE.

1. CRYING IS BLACKMAIL.

1. ASK FOR WHAT YOU WANT.
LET US BE CLEAR ON THIS ONE:
SUBTLE HINTS DO NOT WORK!
STRONG HINTS DO NOT WORK!
OBVIOUS HINTS DO NOT WORK!
JUST SAY IT!

1. YES AND NO ARE PERFECTLY ACCEPTABLE ANSWERS TO ALMOST EVERY QUESTION.

1. COME TO US WITH A PROBLEM ONLY IF YOU WANT HELP SOLVING IT.
THAT’S WHAT WE DO.
SYMPATHY IS WHAT YOUR GIRLFRIENDS ARE FOR.

1. ANYTHING WE SAID 6 MONTHS AGO IS INADMISSIBLE IN AN ARGUMENT.
IN FACT, ALL COMMENTS BECOME NULL AND VOID AFTER 7 DAYS.

1. IT YOU THINK YOU’RE FAT, YOU PROBABLY ARE.
DON’T ASK US.

1. IF SOMETHING WE SAID CAN BE INTERPRETED TWO WAYS AND ONE OF THE WAYS MAKES YOU SAD OR ANGRY, WE MEANT THE OTHER ONE.

1. YOU CAN EITHER ASK US TO DO SOMETHING OR TELL US HOW YOU WANT IT TO BE DONE.
NOT BOTH.
IF YOU ALREADY KNOW BEST HOW TO DO IT, JUST DO IT YOURSELF.

1. WHENEVER POSSIBLE, PLEASE SAY WHATEVER YOU HAVE TO SAY DURING COMMERCIALS…

1. CAPTAIN COOK DID NOT NEED DIRECTIONS AND NEITHER DO WE.

1. ALL MEN SEE IN ONLY 16 COLOURS, LIKE WINDOWS DEFAULT SETTINGS.
PEACH, FOR EXAMPLE, IS A FRUIT NOT A COLOUR.
PUMPKIN IS ALSO A FRUIT.
WE HAVE NO IDEA WHAT MAUVE IS.

1. IF IT ITCHES, IT WILL BE SCRATCHED.
WE DO THAT.

1. IF WE ASK WHAT IS WRONG AND YOU SAY “NOTHING’, WE WILL ACT LIKE NOTHING’S WRONG.
WE KNOW YOU ARE LYING, BUT IT IS JUST NOT WORTH THE HASSLE…

1. IF YOU ASK A QUESTION YOU DON’T WANT AN ANSWER TO, EXPECT AN ANSWER YOU DON’T WANT TO HEAR.

1. WHEN WE HAVE TO GO SOMEWHERE, ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING YOU WEAR IS FINE … REALLY.

1. DON’T ASK US WHAT WE ARE THINKING ABOUT UNLESS YOU ARE PREPARED TO DISCUSS SUCH TOPICS AS FOOTBALL OR CARS.

1. YOU HAVE ENOUGH CLOTHES.

1. YOU HAVE TOO MANY SHOES.

1. THANK YOU FOR READING THIS.
YES, I KNOW I HAVE TO SLEEP ON THE COUCH TONIGHT;

BUT DID YOU KNOW MEN REALLY DON’T MIND THAT? IT’S LIKE CAMPING.

You may have heard this before…

I got some Olympic condoms the other day. I said to the wife: “I think I’ll wear gold tonight”. She said “why don’t you wear silver and come second for a change?”.

Mind you, when I got some flavoured condoms, I suggested to the wife we play ‘guess the flavour’. She got very excited about it, and as soon as we got our kit off, she went straight down on me. Then she popped up and shouted: “Cheese and onion!” I said hang on, love, I haven’t got one on yet….

I was driving to work this morning when I saw an RAC bloke in his van sobbing uncontrollably. I thought to myself ‘that guy’s heading for a breakdown’.

I read in the papers that an RAF fighter in Afghanistan saw a flying carpet on each side of his plane with a machine gunner on board. The pilot shot them down and when he landed got a bollocking: apparently they were Allied Carpets.

I see Tampax have announced today that they will be replacing the cord on their tampons with a piece of tinsel. But it’s for the Christmas period only.

The lead actor in our local pantomime was sexually abused from behind on stage last night. To be fair, the audience did try to warn him.

By the way, I got some new aftershave that smells like bread crumbs: the birds love it!

Toodle-pip!

Battle of the Doc Coxxes

the current issue of the ever-wonderful Viz (finally located at the back of the bottom shelf in W.H. Smiths) features our favourite onanist in combat with t’other Doc Cox, the boffin Brian. With a five round bout Ivor wins hands down but pick up a copy to see how the contest of TV presenters was judged.

also featured in the lives of the saints is ‘The Wanking Monk of Kefalonia’.