The Winker’s Song finally gets on the radio!

Banned for nearly 40 years, Ivor’s notorious ode to onanism has been played to hijack the broadcasts of a local UK radio station. This has caused the usual reactions of amusement or disgust, but there are some priceless comments in The Guardian’s article.

http://tinyurl.com/yb8jonzo

Listeners were last subjected to the song, which uses the word “wanker” 36 times, this weekend during a live family broadcast from Mansfield’s Party in the Market event. Tony Delahunty, managing director of Mansfield 103.2, said: “Some people have told me that their children have started humming the song in the car.”

Pirates with a well-tuned sense of mischief hoisting their own Jolly Roger…

All of Ivor’s delicate ditties are, of course, available to hear on Spotify



Ivor on Facefook (mis-print)

Yes, we’ve finally got around to getting Ivor onto Facebook. He already had a ghostly presence there with a page connecting to his Wikipedia entry, but now there’s the officially sanctioned version. Not that it does much. Well, USA citizens can purchase or download the very-wonderful ‘Handling Swollen Goods” and some of the information on this site is also there, but it’s FACEBOOK. It has 800 million wankers, sorry members. It’s really, really important! You can join Spotify and listen to all Ivor’s records! HERE’S IVOR’S FACEBOOK PAGE!
If you’re a Facefooker, make sure you ‘like’ him…

Meanwhile here’s a DIY attachment that Ivor installed next to his fridge…

New look – same old rubbish

If you’ve ever been here before (why would you come again?), you may notice we have a trés chic new site. Smart, isn’t it. So big thanks to Jo (we know where you live).
Of course, the same old information is here but now I should be able to tidy it up and edit once in a while. If you’re looking to buy any of Ivor’s recordings then hit the BUY button above for the cheapest prices on the web (and a special deal on all 3 CD’s).
Otherwise there’s a discography, lyrics, a sort of biography (The Sultan Of Smut) that I can’t remember where it came from and a round-up of what’s currently available (Releases). So there you go – bluddy marvellous.

Man Rules

WE ALWAYS HEAR “THE RULES” FROM THE FEMALE SIDE….
NOW HERE ARE THE RULES FROM THE MALE SIDE.
THESE ARE OUR RULES!
PLEASE NOTE… THESE ARE ALL NUMBERED “1” ON PURPOSE!

1. MEN ARE NOT MIND READERS. (FIRST AND FOREMOST RULE).

1. LEARN TO WORK THE TOILET SEAT.
YOU’RE A BIG GIRL. IF IT’S UP, PUT IT DOWN. WE NEED IT UP, YOU NEED IT DOWN.
YOU DON’T HEAR US COMPLAINING ABOUT YOU LEAVING IT DOWN.

1. SUNDAY SPORTS OR NEWS, IT’S LIKE THE FULL MOON OR THE CHANGING OF THE TIDES.
LET IT BE.

1. CRYING IS BLACKMAIL.

1. ASK FOR WHAT YOU WANT.
LET US BE CLEAR ON THIS ONE:
SUBTLE HINTS DO NOT WORK!
STRONG HINTS DO NOT WORK!
OBVIOUS HINTS DO NOT WORK!
JUST SAY IT!

1. YES AND NO ARE PERFECTLY ACCEPTABLE ANSWERS TO ALMOST EVERY QUESTION.

1. COME TO US WITH A PROBLEM ONLY IF YOU WANT HELP SOLVING IT.
THAT’S WHAT WE DO.
SYMPATHY IS WHAT YOUR GIRLFRIENDS ARE FOR.

1. ANYTHING WE SAID 6 MONTHS AGO IS INADMISSIBLE IN AN ARGUMENT.
IN FACT, ALL COMMENTS BECOME NULL AND VOID AFTER 7 DAYS.

1. IT YOU THINK YOU’RE FAT, YOU PROBABLY ARE.
DON’T ASK US.

1. IF SOMETHING WE SAID CAN BE INTERPRETED TWO WAYS AND ONE OF THE WAYS MAKES YOU SAD OR ANGRY, WE MEANT THE OTHER ONE.

1. YOU CAN EITHER ASK US TO DO SOMETHING OR TELL US HOW YOU WANT IT TO BE DONE.
NOT BOTH.
IF YOU ALREADY KNOW BEST HOW TO DO IT, JUST DO IT YOURSELF.

1. WHENEVER POSSIBLE, PLEASE SAY WHATEVER YOU HAVE TO SAY DURING COMMERCIALS…

1. CAPTAIN COOK DID NOT NEED DIRECTIONS AND NEITHER DO WE.

1. ALL MEN SEE IN ONLY 16 COLOURS, LIKE WINDOWS DEFAULT SETTINGS.
PEACH, FOR EXAMPLE, IS A FRUIT NOT A COLOUR.
PUMPKIN IS ALSO A FRUIT.
WE HAVE NO IDEA WHAT MAUVE IS.

1. IF IT ITCHES, IT WILL BE SCRATCHED.
WE DO THAT.

1. IF WE ASK WHAT IS WRONG AND YOU SAY “NOTHING’, WE WILL ACT LIKE NOTHING’S WRONG.
WE KNOW YOU ARE LYING, BUT IT IS JUST NOT WORTH THE HASSLE…

1. IF YOU ASK A QUESTION YOU DON’T WANT AN ANSWER TO, EXPECT AN ANSWER YOU DON’T WANT TO HEAR.

1. WHEN WE HAVE TO GO SOMEWHERE, ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING YOU WEAR IS FINE … REALLY.

1. DON’T ASK US WHAT WE ARE THINKING ABOUT UNLESS YOU ARE PREPARED TO DISCUSS SUCH TOPICS AS FOOTBALL OR CARS.

1. YOU HAVE ENOUGH CLOTHES.

1. YOU HAVE TOO MANY SHOES.

1. THANK YOU FOR READING THIS.
YES, I KNOW I HAVE TO SLEEP ON THE COUCH TONIGHT;

BUT DID YOU KNOW MEN REALLY DON’T MIND THAT? IT’S LIKE CAMPING.