You may have heard this before…

I got some Olympic condoms the other day. I said to the wife: “I think I’ll wear gold tonight”. She said “why don’t you wear silver and come second for a change?”.

Mind you, when I got some flavoured condoms, I suggested to the wife we play ‘guess the flavour’. She got very excited about it, and as soon as we got our kit off, she went straight down on me. Then she popped up and shouted: “Cheese and onion!” I said hang on, love, I haven’t got one on yet….

I was driving to work this morning when I saw an RAC bloke in his van sobbing uncontrollably. I thought to myself ‘that guy’s heading for a breakdown’.

I read in the papers that an RAF fighter in Afghanistan saw a flying carpet on each side of his plane with a machine gunner on board. The pilot shot them down and when he landed got a bollocking: apparently they were Allied Carpets.

I see Tampax have announced today that they will be replacing the cord on their tampons with a piece of tinsel. But it’s for the Christmas period only.

The lead actor in our local pantomime was sexually abused from behind on stage last night. To be fair, the audience did try to warn him.

By the way, I got some new aftershave that smells like bread crumbs: the birds love it!


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